Byakuya's Bottom
by pinoykengumi7
Summary: Renji and Rukia discuss the aspects of Byakuya's posterior.
1. Byakuya's Bottom

**Byakuya's Bottom**

By, **pinoykengumi7**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Bleach. If I did, Ukitake would be the strongest captain. And Yumichika would have piggytails.

Hey everyone! This is my first Bleach fanfic, so please don't kill me for it. This is dedicated to my toy Duck and my brother, MultipleCyrosis.

Warning: A lot of randomness, randomness and MORE randomness!

-duckii mustang-

-

Rukia stood in the streets of Soul Society, talking with her best friend, Abarai Renji. "Renji."

The fashion master (only second to Kuchiki Byakuya) looked down at her, surprised at dreamy look in her eyes. "Aa."

"Byakuya has a really nice as—erm. I mean to say bottom."

Any passer-by who heard the raven-haired girl's comment would have promptly fainted. Fortunate for Renji, he was no common passer-by. Unfortunately, he was Byakuya's direct subordinate - his vice-captain. Thoughts started in his mind. _Since when has Rukia and Kuchiki-taichou been on a first name basis? And how would she know that he has a nice ass? Was she checking him out! No. Renji, that is not possible. Get your head out of the gutter and focus. _"R-Rukia, you're not serious, are you?"

With a dead serious face, she replied, "I do not tell lies. Would you like me to show you?"

If 'World Guiness World Records' were existent in Seireitei, Renji would have broken the record for the 'eye-bugging' section. His eyes bugged out 20 millimetres. The younger Kuchiki, taking his silence as a positive answer, dragged him the 5 blocks to the Kuchiki house. Literally. The girl carefully opened the door to her room and dumped Renji onto the ground. The vice-captain was still in shock.

"Here!"

A choking noise could be heard throughout the whole Kuchiki property, followed by a loud shout.

"YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT YOU NAMED YOUR RABBIT BYAKUYA!"

"Hm?" Rukia hugged her toy rabbit tighter. Yes, Byakuya the rabbit really did have a nice _bottom._ So snugly. "What on Seireitei _were_ you thinking, Renji?"

"Howl, Zabimaru."

-

_Hm. I wonder why Rukia's pet rabbit is on the floor? _The stoic captain of the 6th Division daintily picked it up by the ear, as if it was something _contagious_ and deposited it in her room. He took another glance at it, subconsciously noting that its backside seemed… cuddly. In the far distance, he swore he could hear his vice-captain's voice. And was he yelling something like "Rukia thinks Byakuya's ass is nice!"…?

Author's Notes

So, how did you like it? Please review and tell me! Heheheh

-Byakuya Duckii-


	2. Green Tea Does Funny Things

**Byakuya's Bottom**

By, **pinoykengumi7**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Bleach.

Warning: A lot of randomness, randomness and MORE randomness! … Byakuya is also a _little_ OOC, but there is a legitimate reason for that!

This is the second part of 'Byakuya's Bottom'. I didn't really expect this to turn out this way (I didn't expect to have a second part at all), but I just wrote, and this is what came out. –shrugs- If you don't like Byakuya x Rukia and are going to flame me for making this into a Byakuya x Rukia fic, THEN DON'T READ THIS CHAPTER. It's as simple as that. Thanks,

-duckii mustang-

-

Matsumoto sidled up to Rukia, who looked like she was about to faint. Her face was pale, her knuckles were white and beads of sweat were rapidly rolling down her face. She winced as she heard the buxom shinigami's question.

"Is Kuchiki-taichou's ass as 'snuggly' are proclaimed to be?"

Rukia looked around her. There was no escaping this time. Matsumoto was approaching her from the front, Unohana and Isane from behind, Soi Fong on the left, and on the right, of all people… Yumichika. Thoughts of revenge and hate were running through her mind towards a certain red-haired lieutenant. Unfortunately though, her surroundings seemed to be a forest, a long way away from Renji, and she was surrounded by rabid fangirls, er, and one fanboy. She shuddered.

"Is it?"

The moonlight reflected off Nanao's glasses, effectively giving her an evil appearance. She turned around… but was presented with the oh-so-_delightful_ view of Unohana and Isane drooling with glazed-over eyes. Rukia turned back almost immediately, thinking, _like captain, like lieutenant._

Fearfully, she looked to the right. At least Ayasegawa Yumichika looked somewhat normal. Hold on, was he saying something? She strained her ears…

"I would absolutely _die_ to see Byakuya-_chan_ clad in a towel slung low on his hip. Someone as beautiful as him ought to have nice bodies, and with the water glistening on him, drops running down his groin lines, those sacred crevasses… How I would love to be just a tiny droplet of water…"

Rukia put her hand to her mouth, feeling her breakfast, lunch and dinner threaten to rise. At least it was somewhat normal for girls to moon over her brother, and he _had _been quite an attraction to some males as well, but hearing that form Yumichika just left her flabbergasted, not to mention scarred. Gods, she'd never be able to look at the 5th seat of the 11th squad the same way again. Although, it wasn't like she had her doubts about his sexual preferences after seeing those… those brightly coloured eyebrow extensions. But her brother! Her beloved Nii-sama. Her eyes bugged out again as she heard Yumichika's high-pitched laugh. Kami-sama. She'd never be able to look at her own brother in the same way again. Well, she'd already know that. When she told Renji that Byakuya the _Rabbit_ had a nice _posterior_, she was telling the truth, but in other aspects as well.

Shocked out of her muse by the 10th squad's lieutenant's hand on her should with a glassy look in her eye, the raven-haired shinigami yelled out in order to clarify all misunderstandings, "MY RABBIT'S NAME IS BYAKUYA AND HE HAS A NICE ASS." All five people abruptly stopped.

"Anō, Kuchiki-san, why did you call your rabbit after your brother?" Soi Fong spoke this time, a smirk playing on her lips, as if she knew something that everyone else didn't.

"Etō, that is to say… I mean…" Poor Rukia was at a loss for words.

In the background, Isane's voice was still heard, crying out, "But that doesn't mean Kuchiki-taichou's ass isn't nice, right Unohana-taichou!"

"Correct, my young one! You have learnt well." Rukia cringed at the response, but had no time to do anything about it. Soi Fong looked like a tiger about to pounce on her prey.

"Byakuya, huh?"

"ARGHHH!"

-

Rukia sat up instantly, feeling the bones in her back protest against the sudden movement.

"Maa maa, Rukia. You should still lie down. You have a fever." Rukia stared blankly at the old family doctor as he left the room.

"A fever?"

"Yes. Abarai had the delicacy to carry you back to the Kuchiki mansion. Apparently you fainted somewhere in the woods." Was that a _smirk _on her brother's face? "You seemed to be having some sort of frightening dream." He pulled the covers up and tucked them underneath her chin. "You said some interesting things there. Etō, 'Byakuya has a nice ass?'"

Rukia slapped her forehead. Dreaming of the past was bad enough, but out of all things, she just HAD to yell _that_ out in her sleep. At least none of what Yumichika said was repeated. A blush crossed her face. She turned over, not wishing to look at her brother face-to-face.

_On second thoughts, I ought to give my brother some sort of explanation. _"My rabbit. I… named it Byakuya."

"Ah… I suppose that clarifies what my idiotic lieutenant has been advertising around the whole of Seireitei." So he had heard that too. She swore her face couldn't get any redder _or_ hotter. "Is there a particular reason why you named it after me?" Okay then. Maybe it could. Vaguely, she heard his footsteps lightly pad across the room and before she knew it he was before her eyes. Spontaneously, Yumichika's spoken fantasy came to mind.

"Nii-sama… towel…"

"Hm?"

_Oh Kami-sama. Did I just say that outloud?_ Suddenly the pillow seemed like an interesting object. She buried her head into it, doing her best to avoid her brother's piercing gaze. One look into those cloudy grey orbs and she was bound to spill everything out.

"Rukia. Look at me." She shook her head negatively as best as she could with her head in a pillow. No way was she going to. "As a commanding officer, I order you to look at me." Slowly, she turned her head to face him. The sides of his mouth quirked upwards, and his eyes clearly showed amusement. "Now," he focused his eyes on her, and Rukia found herself melting into a puddle of goo. "Why is your rabbit named after me?"

"Because Byakuya is such a nice name and you never let me call you that!" Oops. She blurted out too much. The Kuchiki heir threw his head back and laughed.

Rukia stared.

Out of all her years as a Kuchiki, she had never seen him like this. It was nice, his laugh was. It was a deep, almost melodious sound that started from the bottom of his stomach.

"Rukia." He tweaked her nose playfully.

"N-nii-sama?"

"No, Byakuya," he corrected. She just stared at him with a confused look on her face. Who wouldn't, if they'd just witnessed the Ice Prince _laugh_? "You are just too cute." He bent down to whisper something in her ear, so it seemed to her, but he lifted back her hair and gently kissed the exposed part of her neck.

"N-Byakuya?"

"I will see you later." He _strutted _out the room, his captain's robe and scarf billowing behind him.

He really _did _have a nice ass, Rukia observed somewhat fondly, unconsciously putting her hand on the area he had just kissed. But what in the world had possessed her brother to act like that…?

-

Ouside, captain of the 6th squad, Kuchiki Byakuya slumped against the wall in an undignified manner. "Remind me never again to drink green tea." He was silent for a moment, remembering the softness of Rukia's skin, the adorable expression on her face… "On second thought… scratch that."

-

Owari

-

Author's Notes

If you didn't get the first part, it was a dream of Rukia, but she was dreaming of what had happened just before Renji took her to the Kuchiki mansion. And for those who were expecting Renji x Rukia, well all I can say is… just ignore this chapter and make up your own ending for the first chapter x) Also, if you didn't get why Byakuya acted like he did, it was because he drunk some green tea, thus causing him to act in such an… un-Byakuya-ish way!

Anyone who doesn't understand any of the Japanese, just ask and I will tell you. Truthfully, I'm just too lazy to put all of the translations in… heh.

Etō – Uh…

Anō – Um..,

Review please?


	3. Chewgoo Dolls?

**Byakuya's Bottom**

By, **pinoykengumi7**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Bleach.

Warning: A lot of randomness, randomness and MORE randomness! … Byakuya is also a _little_ OOC, but we'll just say that he's been drinking green tea again.

Whoa. Third part of 'Byakuya's Bottom' XD Never expected it to go this far! Not as much romance in this chapter, but it is filled with lots of… sadistic Byakuya xP Well, enjoy and please review. Thanks,

-duckii mustang-

-

Rukia was walking down an exquisitely decorated hallway in the Kuchiki mansion when she heard a singsong voice drawl, "Oh Renji-kun. Who's your daddy?!"

Walking a little more hastily, she attempted to recognize the room from where the strange one-sided conversation was taking place.

"Now, just stay still and this won't hurt at all."

Rukia's eyes bugged out. The voice sounded creepy. She scrunched up her forehead, furiously trying to match the voice with a face. It sounded creepy… creepy like her own brother's voice.

She nearly fell over in fright. Her brother's voice.

"Renji-kun, this is the first time I've done this since I've got you." A low, sadistic laugh followed.

Renji-kun?! What the heck was her brother doing with… with RENJI?! She swallowed nervously. The voice was getting closer.

"…and in it goes!"

Silence.

"One more time…"

Heavy breathing.

"Oops. I seem to have miscalculated. I missed."

Excited shout.

"Here goes another try."

Evil laugh.

"I hope that hurt!"

Silence.

"You are mine, Renji Abarai."

Another sadistic laugh.

In her shock, Rukia abruptly walked into a pillar. And fell. And oh-so-merrily knocked over a vase on her way down to kiss the marble floor.

"Rukia?"

She immediately stood up, cutting off the mouth-to-mouth practice with the floor. "Nii—"

He put a slender finger to her lips. "It's Byakuya, remember?" Ah, he could feel the green tea running through his veins.

She nodded dumbly, not being able to do anything but repeat like a parrot. "Byakuya."

"Yes?"

Her eyes trailed from his face down to his torso and then to his free hand.

"Chappy?"

He shook his head.

"This," he gestured to the soft toy, oddly similar to Renji. Funny that Rukia mistook it for a rabbit. Rabbits were cute and fluffy. Renji was… was un-cute and un-fluffy. If anything, his hair could pass him off as something related to a porcupine. "This is Abarai Renji."

Again, the parroting ability in her ensued.

"I have been looking up the cultures in the human world and I found one that mildly interested me. One of these practiced boodoo." He put his hand to his head in a thinking position. "Was it boodoo? Or chewgoo?"

Rukia just blinked.

"Well this frooloo, they have dolls that when you poke pins into them, the person whom the doll is modeled after is affected."

He pulled out one of the pins that had previously been poked into 'Renji-kun' and relocated it in the doll's right arm.

"And there is one of Renji because…?"

He showed her the doll, growling out "revenge", but was interrupted by a loud yell.

"Ah, that sounds like my idiotic lieutenant now. These poomoos have proved to work quite exceptionally."

He walked to the front of the mansion, with Rukia following behind. And right in the doorway was Abarai Renji. His right arm was twitching in a twisted position, his foot nearly touching his head and his eyes were rolled backwards into his head.

"Nii-sama!"

"Byakuya."

Rukia just rushed over to her best friend while the sadistic captain strutted off, once again his captain's robe and scarf billowing behind him.

She vaguely caught his parting words.

"I wonder what I should do with this Rukia doll of mine…?" A low snicker erupted from his stomach, ending as a loud, evil guwaff.

**Author's Notes**

Whoa, go me! Another part of 'Byakuya's Bottom' complete! I should just make this a collection of oneshots… what do you say? I wouldn't be surprised if I posted another chapter.

And if anyone didn't really get the boodoo/chewgoo/frooloo etc. bit, it's meant to be 'VOODOO' xP I don't really know how voodoo dolls work, so the stuff in there probably isn't quite accurate. And if you haven't figured out yet, I have a sadistic streak in me. I love torturing Renji.

Review?

--Duckii Mustang


	4. Big Brother Byakuya

**Byakuya's Bottom**

By, **pinoykengumi7**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Bleach.

Warning: This is hinting towards Byakuya x Rukia. If you do not like it, TURN BACK IMMEDIATELY.

I DO NOT WANT REVIEWS SAYING THAT BYAKUYA x RUKIA IS NASTY WHEN I CLEARLY STATED THAT IT WAS A BYAKUYA x RUKIA FIC, ESPECIALLY FOR THE SECOND CHAPTER.

And to CB, who reviewed my second chapter, it's all good and dandy that you think that Byakuya x Rukia is a nasty pairing, but as I previously stated, I had put warnings especially on that chapter. –shrugs-

Special thanks to those who are enjoying this fic. Gosh, I never knew that I'd get up to a fourth part XD MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!

--Duckii Mustang

-

"Kurosaki. What is Rukia doing on that… _that_ _contraption_ of yours." A mere statement coming from Byakuya, who was looking suspiciously at his younger sister tampering around on the machine which had been identified as a computer.

Sure they had computer-like devices in Soul Society, but these were different from the ones he was accustomed t. Television, microwave and air conditioner were also given the oh-so-humble title: contraption. And not just _any_ contraption. They were always addressed as _that contraption_.

"Geez you overprotective fool. Can't she just check her email without having you hover around her? Give her some personal space, dammit."

Byakuya blinked.

And blinked again, shocked by the sheer force of the orange-haired boy's words.

And blinked a third time, this time shocked by a pop-up window on the computer screen advertising dating with a half naked man and woman together in bed. And like in a slow motion movie where everything suddenly goes in slow motion mode, he took two large steps (slowly) towards Rukia and put both of his hands over her eyes, effectively obstructing her view.

The world suddenly returned to normal, albeit the fact that Byakuya was trying to prevent Rukia from seeing certain things.

"Shit. I should've known my dad wouldn't stop these pop-ups from coming up. That perverted man," Ichigo grumbled and closed the advertisement. "And you can uncover her eyes, you know."

Byakuya cleared his throat and gave Ichigo his famous 'I-am-superior-over-you-so-do-not-tell-me-what-to-do' look. Unfortunately, the recipient was undaunted and continued to talk.

"No wonder you never had a kid." A sadistic laugh came from Ichigo, while the Kuchikis frowned. "I bet you held on to your pants all night! And as for Rukia, I'm sure she's seen things like that before: couples kissing, making out, having sex…" He indicated to another pop-up, this time of a couple kissing. Byakuya's hands remained in the same position. "Heck, she's probably done it before." Byakuya, once again in slow motion, uncovered her eyes. His face was red, either from anger or embarrassment.

Rukia just sat there with a horrified look on her face. "Nii— I mean Byakuya, I am still an innocent."

"Good." He sounded pleased to hear that. It probably also had something to do with the use of his first name instead of the usual 'Nii-sama'. He'd been trying to change her habit ever since—

"As for kissing, I haven't kissed anyone except for—" Byakuya coughed lightly. Ah, yes, what an appropriate time to get a _slight_ tickle in the throat. Funnily enough, both faces were simultaneously the same shade of red.

"Keh." Ichigo scowled. "Then, Rukia, what about that time we—" This time Ichigo had the honour of being on the receiving end of the look especially for those who had even the slightest intention of making a pass at Rukia. Also this time, Ichigo was still undaunted. "—the time we were in the stairwell—"

"Ku. Ro. Sa. Ki." The Kuchiki heir pronounced each syllable slowly, as if it pained him greatly just to say his name. He knew what happened in stairwells. That Quincy boy had kindly informed Byakuya about the basic things that occurred at school on Earth. Stairwells was where couples made out, was what he had been told.

"I was just going to say that we saw Ishida and another girl having lunch on the stairwell." And the captain felt his fingers itching for his sword. Itching uncontrollable to kill one person, maybe two. That stupid Ichigo and his honeyed voice and that damned Quince seemed like favourable victims.

Somewhere in Karakura town, Ishida Uryuu sneezed.

"Maa, maa, Ichigo, Nii-sama." The two males turned and glared at Rukia who was trying her hand at peacemaker. "Let's listen to the radio instead." Ichigo nodded and she pressed the 'ON' button, desperately praying that there were none of those nasty ads like—

"Having erection proble—"

Click. Next station.

"The vibrating condom is like having sex with a motor!" A high, feminine voice burst through the speakers, shocking Rukia, resulting in no change in radio station.

And again, the slow motion occurred as Big Brother Byakuya covered Rukia's ears, shouting, "Rukia! Your virgin ears!"

Ichigo just rolled his eyes and changed the station…

"Are you aware of what incest is?"

Silently, the shinigami captain gracefully turned off the radio, (finally uncovering Rukia's ears) his aristocratic nose high in the air.

"Listening to the radio late at night isn't very good," Rukia mused.

Byakuya vigorously nodded his head in agreement. Ichigo just snorted. "And Nii-sama—"

"Byakuya."

"I know you're trying to e the good big brother," she glanced at Ichigo who was flopped on his bed picking at his nails. Taing the opportunity, she whispered into her brother's ear, "or the jealous, overprotective boyfriend—" Byakuya coughed.

"I am not!" he hissed angrily. Rukia just ignored him.

"—but you don't have to. I can look after myself, you know." And she gave him a peck on the check, which the stoic man countered with a kiss on the lips, sound included, efficiently alerting Ichigo.

"Ruki—" The boy's jaw flapped up and down until he found his voice. "Gross. You two—"

Byakuya broke off the kiss and smirked. "Surely you know and have seen it before. Heck, I bet you've even done it before." Ichigo spat, miffed at having his previous remark thrown back at him.

And he resigned himself to listening to the couple kiss. But only because he wasn't going to leave the room. Not while he knew Rukia was still a virgin.

On the other hand, Kuchiki Byakuya was pleased with the way things were going. He didn't drink any green tea _or _use the Rukia doll this time. Though when he returned to Seireitei he might have to take a raincheck on torturing one Kurosaki Ichigo or a certain Quincy…

But at the moment, he'd just enjoy the time with _his _Rukia.

_His Rukia. _

-

Author's Notes 

Corny. Well, things written at one in the morning tend to be… MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! This is my Christmas present to those who have been reading this. Well… Tell me what you thought! (Read: REVIEWWW) Make my Christmas present worth it!

--Duckii Mustang


	5. MIStletoe MISunderstandings

**Byakuya's Bottom**

By, **pinoykengumi7**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Bleach.

Warning: This is hinting towards Byakuya x Rukia. If you do not like it, TURN BACK IMMEDIATELY.

Ooh yeah. Fifth chapter, and even though I'm a little late, I just _needed_ to put in some reference towards the Christmas spirit... MISTLETOE!! Hence the title of the chapter, MIStletoe MISunderstandings. I know, I'm lame. xD

--Duckii Mustang

-

"So, you're saying that there is this tradition that the humans have at Christmas time where they have this _mistletoe_ and kiss under it?"

"Yup."

Ukitake Jyuushiro, captain of the 13th division, direct commanding officer of Kuchiki Rukia and an old friend of Kuchiki Byakuya. Here he was, relating a western Christmas tradition to the cold Ice Prince of Seireitei. (But according to Shunsui, the man was _changing _- "Maybe puberty has hit at last! Oh ho hoho!" Ukitake forced himself to swallow the approaching laugh.)

"Wait. Explain it all to me again please." Byakuya shook his head. Why on earth would humans want to kiss underneath a plant? What if one of them were allergic to this mistletoe and just ruined the kiss? Gosh, he could never remember such _silly_ practices when _he_ was around on earth. Though that could be because he was a few too many centuries old...

"There is this plant. It is called mistletoe. Whoever goes underneath the mistletoe have to kiss. This widely occurs during the Christmas season."

Byakuya 'hmmed' and 'hmmed' again, which were followed by 'I sees' and 'ahs'. "Well, thank you." He lowered his head, out of respect for the older man.

"And how is Rukia? She was telling me that she would be going to the human world for Christmas."

"Yes. I shall be accompanying her."

A knowing, mischevious smile was all it took to get Byakuya out of the room.

And it was the same trip to the human world that found him in the Kurosaki house, with a bunch of nuts and sprigs of mistletoe. Glow-in-the-dark mistletoe.

His eyes narrowed as Yumichika _flounced_ around the room giving an unaware Ikkaku a peck on the cheek, then showing him the glowing sprig above them. _If he had been in my division, he would never be doing such an absurd action._ He quickly diverted his look upwards, looking for any sign of mistletoe just in case that kiss-a-holic happened near him.

Too bad when he turned his head away from the offending Yumichika, he caught Renji giving Rukia a peck on the cheek. And Renji had caught Byakuya glaring at him, and smirked. Number One of 'Fastest Ways to See Byakuya's Sword': Kiss his sister. It was also number one of 'How to Die in Less than a Minute'. Smirking at him after seeing him catch the show of affection was just like adding honey.

Even though it was dark, he could still tell it was Renji. His red hair stuck out like a sore thumb. He could just feel a Christmas song coming up in him… what was it again? _Renji, the red-haired_—Ah, he forgot the words. What a pity, he could have gotten some one to sing it for him. A drunken Matsumoto looked like a good candidate. He ought to take a rain check on that song later.

"Hey Ichigo."

The orange-haired boy turned around. "What, Abarai?"

"Ah, there's mistletoe here."

"I don't want to kiss you."

"No, I mean Rukia." He said her name in a sing-song fashion ad then gestured over to Byakuya. A smirk slowly crept onto Ichigo's face and he made his way towards Renji and Rukia.

"Rukia," Ichigo grinned wolfishly.

"Yes?" Rukia was completely unaware what was happening when Ichigo leaned over with his lips puckered. In a flash of a moment she was swept out of the way.

"Nii-sama?" She glanced up at her brother who was holding her, and she was very aware of his arms beneath her back and knees.

She followed her gaze and couldn't help but laugh.

Ichigo was kissing Renji's chest. He couldn't help it of course. It just so happened that Byakuya had given him a _little_ push towards his lieutenant when he took Rukia out of the way.

"Yuck! Get off me, you gross person!"

"What? How do you think _I _feel? I kissed your CHEST!"

"Ergh. Your slobber is all over me!"

And so a large fight ensued.

-

"Earth is very pretty." Rukia looked up. It wasn't like her brother to say something positive about Earth. "Here. I have some mistletoe." She watched him dig into his pocket and pull out a sprig.

"You stole it from inside."

"That's right, I did." He smirked. "So, how does this western tradition go again?" He glanced at her, questioningly, suggestively.

"Well, when two people are underneath the sprig of mistletoe, they kiss." She didn't notice when the usually stoic man held the mistletoe above them; all she noticed was the feel of his lips on hers.

-

Meanwhile, in Soul Society, Ukitake Jyuushiro was inspecting a lone sprig of mistletoe in front of Kyouraku Shunsui, relating the story of the captain of the 6th division.

"And he was saying some really absurd things about the tradition—"

"Aa—achoo!"

"Oh, Shunsui, you're allergic?"

Author's Notes

-sighs- The things holidays can do to you. I'm sort of laying it on thick with the romance, aren't I? Well this one wasn't that bad. There was more humour :D And sorry for the length of the chapter too.

Yeah, whatever. Review please.

--Duckii Mustang


	6. Valentine's Victory

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Bleach.

Warning: This is hinting towards Byakuya x Rukia. If you do not like it, TURN BACK IMMEDIATELY.

Buwahaha. This chapter is my tribute to Byakuya and Rukia on Valentine's Day. Very short (because this was written at 1 in the morning and also after writing two other one shots...) but I hope you like it.

--Duckii Mustang

-

Kuchiki Byakuya had found in 13th Captain, Ukitake Jyuushirou, a good confider. AS he was the captain of his adopted sister, he felt somewhat comfortable discussing matters relating to Rukia with Ukitake. Though sometimes Ukitake's ideas were just a _little_ farfetched. For example, that time he had asked, "Why don't you talk to Abarai-kun about your sister?" No way. Not if he wanted to keep his Kuchiki dignity and pride. And now that he thought about it, probably Rukia's dignity and pride too. 

"So, this Valentine's Day is a day where people give gifts to the ones they love?" Ukitake sighed and massaged his temples. This sounded like a recap of their talk on mistletoe.

"Yes. The gifts are normally from the female, but it can go both ways. 

"You said the most common gifts are chocolate and…? 

"Roses," Ukitake prompted. 

"But what if they were allergic to roses? 

Ukitake offered a quick prayer to the gods. "Kuchiki-san that just doesn't happen. Now go and buy your little Rukia-chan some chocolates and wrap it up nicely." Byakuya nodded thoughtfully and left the room with his captain's robe and scarf billowing after him. 

Ukitake swore he could have heard the ebon-haired man mutter something like, "why don't they just give their lover's a gift when they want to, instead of waiting once a year to do so? These westerners are crazy." Ukitake grinned, wondering to himself if Shunsui was allergic to roses. 

-

Byakuya hesitated. His hand was poised before Rukia's bedroom door, ready to knock. Suddenly the door opened, causing the chocolates wrapped in cellophane to call from his grasp. The last thing on his mind before he lost consciousness was _why is Rukia's door the only one that opens outwards? _

-

The captain cracked one eye open, then the other. The bright light strained Byakuya's eyes, so he shut them. In the background he could hear voices. _Probably the doctor, _he thought as he drifted to sleep. In actual fact, it was Rukia telling her version of the story of why her brother had been knocked out to Renji. The latter seemed to be enjoying it very, very much.

The next time Byakuya woke up he was feeling a lot more refreshed and his head didn't hurt so much. It appeared he was in Rukia's room, on a futon.

"Ah, 'Nii-sama, I see you are finally awake." He frowned at the use of the honorific.

Ignoring her previous statement, he sat up saying, "I have a present for you Rukia." Next to his bedside were the chocolates he had wrapped up. He assumed someone had brought it in with him. "Happy Valentine's Day, Rukia."

Rukia took the chocolates from his hands and put it on her desk were other roses lay. A sudden surge of jealousy gave Byakuya the strength to stand up.

"Who are those roses from?"

"Ichigo, Renji, Hanatarou-kun and Ukitake-taichou."

Byakuya picked up the four roses and calmly but methodically deposited them into the trash, saying, "Only my gift deserves to be there." Funny, his fingers were feeling a little tingling sensation, the sort you get when you're itchy, but don't know where to scratch. "And who's is this?" He pointed to the lone long-stemmed rosebud on the desk sitting next to his chocolates.

"That's yours."

"Mine?" he echoed.

"Yes." Rukia handed the single rosebud to him, watching him take it and sniff the sweet fragrance.

"Thank yo— atchoo!"

"Byakuya?"

He sniffed. "It seems I have an allergic reaction to these roses." He showed her the developing rash on his hand.

"Well, I'll just have to give you something else, won't I?"

Rukia opened up a chocolate and bit half of it, pushing the other half in between Byakuya's lips. He promptly blushed.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Byakuya."

Aforementioned captain smirked. His little Rukia was certainly getting cheekier every day they spent together.

-

**Author's notes **

Mmm. As I said at the beginning, short chapter. School's happening, so expect less frequent updates. I'd also like more ideas from people… I'm running dry XD If no one suggests anything; expect the next update on White Day, March 14.

Whatever. Review?

--Duckii Mustang


	7. DressUp Time!

**Byakuya's Bottom**

By, **pinoykengumi7**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Bleach.

Warning: This is hinting towards Byakuya x Rukia. If you do not like it, TURN BACK IMMEDIATELY.

Thanks to for suggesting this idea to me –grins- Sadly, my inspiration for random occurrences has flown out the window when school came. Hopefully I'll get it back…

Thank you to **Moczo **and everyone else for reviewing!

**Moczo** - Well, some people just don't like them together, or think that they can't work. Oh well. I'm here to change their minds :D

--Duckii Mustang

-

Rukia hated parties. Absolutely abhorred them. And she hated shopping too. Shopping for fancy dresses for fancy parties that she detested with a passion. Which was why she felt her temper rising as she stood in the middle of a women's clothing store with Ichigo, Renji and Byakuya.

"No, I will not allow her to wear such a _skimpy_ outfit."

"Taichou, how in the _fucking _world is that _skimpy?_" Renji held up the dress to Rukia. "Look, it goes up to her ankles, and it has sleeves."

"The sleeves are not long enough."

"Not long enough?! At least they have sleeves! Would you prefer her wearing something like this?" A strapless, short dress was shoved in front of Byakuya's face.

"Renji, what the _prick_ is means is that you have horrible sense of fashion—" Byakuya nodded in agreement, but a twitch of his eyelid showed he wasn't pleased about being addressed as a prick. "—and that someone as skilled as me should pick a dress for Rukia to wear to Chizuru's party." Byakuya choked.

"Why the hell does she have to go to that party anyway? Geez, I swear she's a freaking LESBIAN, for crying out loud. She's going to try and hit on Rukia!"

"Well, if you weren't so stupid, you'd understand that Rukia needs to keep up her disguise as a normal school girl."

"All right. STOP IT."

Rukia's peacemaking skills had appeared once again. Renji and Ichigo stared at each other. Viciously.

"Eh, where's Nii-sama?"

All three heads turned to the captain. And deadpanned. In one hand he held a kimono and in the other he held a matching obi.

"This would be nice to wear to your _social gathering_, Rukia." And he gave her a smile that sent Renji and Ichigo hacking their lungs out in shock from seeing The Kuchiki Byakuya give his adopted sister a _tender_ look.

"Oi, you old fogey. This is a _modern _party she's attending here, not some traditional wedding." Byakuya gave Ichigo one of his 'you-do-not-scare-me-oh-pitiful-one' looks. But nevertheless, he put the kimono and obi back.

Five stores and many more bickers later, Rukia exclaimed, "Ah! I found one!" All three males turned.

Renji's reaction: Big smile - means he approves.

Ichigo's reaction: vein popping on forehead and eyebrow twitching – he is not at all impressed by her choice.

Byakuya's reaction: Flapping jaw – speechless. (At this point, the author was not sure whether Byakuya's mouth was opening of its own accord or because he had a sudden sporadic urge to imitate a goldfish. Or, it could also be because he disapproved of Rukia's choice or he was still processing the interpretation of Renji's smile, which he eventually deduced to a lecherous sort of smile. In any case, all that the author is trying to show is that he looked like a fish.)

"Very good!"

"No. Put it back."

"…" (Byakuya's input is highly valued.)

"I think it's fine! Rukia, your taste is _great!_"

"You, Renji, are a big, fat, idiot. Who in their right mind would go to a party with a _Chappy the Rabbit_ dress?"

Rukia's fist started shaking. "I would!"

_BAM!_

And here we see Ichigo falling to the ground, having acquired a nice, big egg on his head, courtesy of Kuchiki Rukia of the 11th Division.

"And besides, according to the magazines I have been studying, this sort of clothing is at the peak of its sales." Rukia's eyes glinted.

Ichigo just watched his saliva drip out of his mouth from his sprawled out position on the floor, his head being pressed to the ground by Renji's foot.

Byakuya's mouth had finally stopped flapping. It seemed he had found his tongue. "No. It has no sleeves. We're going, Rukia. These morons have no sense of fashion."

"Oh, and this is coming from the one who is wearing _hair curlers?_" Renji's jab got the desired effect.

"_Hair curlers?"_

"Yes, hair curlers."

"These _kenseikan_ are history and value and teachings all in one." Byakuya stuck his nose up in the air, miffed. "At least they are superior to your _tattoos _on your head. No matter what you try to put on your head, it doesn't change the fact that what is _inside _your head is _nothing._"

Renji gaped. How dare he mock his tattoos?

"Aw iegielk," said Ichigo, after having being able to use his mouth again. Renji had stepped off to close off the few steps between him and Byakuya.

"At least these tattoos make me look _manly._" It was an indirect hit, but a hit all the same, and Byakuya recognized it.

"Are you implying that I look _feminine?"_

"No, not at all." That sickly-sweet voice that Renji put on was almost as bad as Rukia's _exemplary _'acting-at-school' skills.

"Though I must say, that _Chappy_ shirt you have on now seems to compliment you quite well. After all, rabbits are cowards; always treading on others' ground because they can't get their own."

Renji's eyebrow twitched. "At least I don't wear a scarf. _And_ trip over it."

Byakuya scowled.

"Gods, why out of all the people I have to be surrounded by, I have three idiots to go shopping with?" Rukia left the store in a huff.

"She left the dress," Ichigo pointed out. "I wonder what she's going to go to Chizuru's party in…"

The three men dispersed quickly, off to find clothing for the night's party, even though none of them were invited.

-

Byakuya stood at the door with Rukia.

"Nii-sama, tell me again why in the _damned_ world did you dress up as a _tree?_"

"Well, don't cute rabbits look good next to trees?"

Rukia scowled, even though Byakuya couldn't see it underneath her full-length Chappy the Rabbit costume. After all of the trouble she had gone through shopping with the men, she had found a store that sold costumes. So did Byakuya, it seemed. _Tree_ costumes.

"Strange, strange man."

"I'm not just _any _strange, strange man," Byakuya reminded her, almost in a pleading tone.

"Right. You're my adopted brother, dressed up as a tree." Rukia purposely ignored the message he was trying to get across.

The door opened and Chizuru immediately engulfed Rukia in a big, hearty hug. "It's so good to see you, Rukia-chan. It is Rukia-chan, right?" Rukia grunted. "And who is this… _tree_ beside you? They look like they've got something up their backside." Byakuya coughed lightly. "Anyway, let's go in. Though I must say, some people are dressing up quite strangely tonight. I didn't say it was a costume party, but we seem to have acquired a strawberry, a tomato with tattoos and a head band, and as of now a tree and a rabbit."

The trio looked over to where there were two people dressed up in full strawberry and tomato costumes, fighting savagely.

"Why the hell did you dress up as a tomato? And what are with these tattoos?"

"What about you, you idiot? A _pink strawberry?!"_

"What the fuck do you think this is, a costume party?"

"Well, you obviously thought so, dressing up as a strawberry. And other people are dressed up too!" He gestured to the tree and the rabbit at in the foyer. "Hang on, is that…" he squinted, "Byakuya and Rukia?"

Ichigo and Renji deadpanned.

And from Seireitei, Hitsugaya Toushirou watched the group, a bored look on his face. He said only one word: "buffoons."

-

Author's Notes

So much for updating on White Day. Anyway, I managed to get this done… And I got a whole bunch of school work, but thank goodness two weeks holidays in ANOTHER WEEK!!! Anyway, enough of my ranting.

As for Byakuya's _kenseikan_, I really can't remember what they symbolize. Sorry. I can't even remember if I got the right spelling... sorry ughhhhhh

Thanks for reading… Now review?

--Duckii Mustang


	8. The Sly Guy

**Byakuya's Bottom**

By, **pinoykengumi7**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Bleach.

Warning: This is hinting towards Byakuya x Rukia. If you do not like it, TURN BACK IMMEDIATELY.

YES YES YESSS! This story is ALIVE, BABYYYY!!! Um. –coughs- Sorry for the long hiatus – not having internet really sucks. But now that it's back, hopefully there will be more updates! Thanks for reading,

--Duckii Mustang

-

He was utterly furious. In fact, he was so furious that if anyone were to enter his room, they would probably see the oh-so-noble Kuchiki Byakuya in a not-so-noble rage, seething with anger and steam emitting from his ears. Literally. Not to mention the many shattered fragments of what were once fine, exquisite works of pottery that surrounded him.

And the cause of all this?

A single miniscule, almost unnoticeable but unbearable (for the Ice Prince) goodnight kiss from Ichigo to Rukia, that he had been _so_ blessed to see. Not really actually. It was just Ichigo whispering into Rukia's ear and a sudden gust of wind (AKA Abarai Renji the Spy Guy) had caused the accidental contact between the two. Byakuya was just in time only to see the 'accidental contact'. And being the overprotective older brother (or boyfriend) that he was, his mind went into 6th gear and started churning up all sorts of nasty scenarios that could have happened between his sister and unofficial rival for his sister's love.

Almost immediately he had brought out his zanpaktou, inflicted a more than hearty blow on Ichigo, dragged Rukia back to the Kuchiki mansion and stalked off to his room (of course, elegantly) to sulk. Which brought him to the situation he was in now: In a room full of broken pottery, his injured pride and ego, and his overprotective trait of him devising ways to get back at Ichigo, or, -a small, cynical grin spread across his face as he pondered the thought- ways to make Rukia notice him. In a way she'd never before. That, to him, meant no more formalities such as 'Nii-sama' and all that noble trash. And there was one idea in particular that intrigued him: Make Rukia Jealous.

And how to do that? Simple:

Fawn over a woman, and pretend that he was going to make her his wife

Constantly talk about her, praise her and 'do' things for her

…

If all fails, kill Ichigo.

And so, with his wonderful, brilliant plan (as expected of the heir of the Kuchiki family and captain of the 6th Division), Byakuya was set. Well, not quite. The more he thought about his plan, the more he realised he'd need some… female guidance. No one either than that sly feline, Yoruichi could be better cut out for that.

Or not.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! KAMI-SAMA HELP ME! HAHAHAHAHA!"

A one millionth of a second was counted by Byakuya before the woman before him burst into another bout of hysterical laughing.

But now that he had already bared his plan out before her, there was nothing he could do but wait for her to calm down, process his plan, and assist him.

"So, you want to make Rukia, your little sister, jealous?"

Byakuya grit his teeth and nodded, his Kuchiki pride… well, he was feeling a little reduced before, so his pride was pretty much ground level. He might as well have been grovelling down at Yoruichi's feet.

"And you want me to assist in this little plan you've—" Yoruichi sniggered, "—devised?"

Again, Byakuya performed a pride-wrenching nod.

"Okay, I'll help. But mind you, Mister Ku-Chi-Ki," she emphasised every syllable of his noble name by poking him in the chest each time. "I'm only doing this to see your frozen heart turn into something other than stone. It's about time you made a move. Don't you know how Rukia—" the woman abruptly stopped.

"Yes?"

"Never mind. Now this plan of yours. I know a woman who would be willing to help you…"

-

"Ah, I wonder where 'Nii-sama has been all day. I haven't seen him at all."

The three friends lay on a grassy area in Seireitei, away from all of the commotion they normally had to endure.

"Who cares where that prick is," Renji and Ichigo said simultaneously.

"Che." Ichigo turned his back on Renji and started pulling out grass stalks, like a little child who had been caught taking a cookie out of the cookie jar and was now sulking.

"Well, I'm going to look for him. You two heartless idiots can stay here if you like."

"Wait! We're coming. I'm not staying with him." Again, simultaneously said and resulted in simultaneous huffs. Rukia shook her head. Just why on earth were these two her best friends?

-

"Um. Is that…" Renji slapped his thigh and started laughing uncontrollably.

Ichigo snorted, until he saw what his friend (or predestined rival) was cracking himself over. "It… is!"

Now, at this point I would like to say that this scene resulted in a nice happy ending where everyone was laughing and for once Ichigo and Renji got a long and forgot about all of their cares in the world (namely Rukia and fighting… against her over-protective brother), but it was the exact opposite once the subject of their laughter turned around. And gave them the 'how-dare-you-laugh-in-my-presence' glare.

"Now, _dear_, let's be going now. I can't stand it with this rowdy crowd affecting the atmosphere." That was when the Ichigo, Renji and Rukia noticed a woman next to the captain. She was dressed in a floral pink kimono, and her obi was a darker shade of pink. Her black hair cascaded down her back and she was linking arms with Byakuya. "Remember, we're still looking for some jewellery for me to wear for the wedding."

"Yes, _anata._" Byakuya's deep voice made Rukia shiver.

_The wedding? _All three ears perked up. Surely… those two weren't getting married. They followed behind at what they thought was a safe distance, but Kuchiki Byakuya, Captain of the 6th Division, with a 6th sense, knew that they were following him as well as eavesdropping, and took delight, and advantage in it.

"I haven't told my little sister yet though. She may be a bit shaken… may be a little sudden…"

Rukia felt a vein precariously bulging on her head. How _dare _he just decide to take another as his wife! Without telling her as well! What happened to that good relationship they had built up? Surely that meant something to him, didn't it? Or did he just think of her as a "little sister", as he said.

Rukia didn't waste any time. She ran up to the man and started shaking him. "How dare you get married?! Don't you even know how I feel? I—I lo—"

"Rukia?" Byakuya glanced down at the raven-haired girl, struggling to suppress the fit of laughter that nestled at the base of his throat. The girl just rested her head against his torso and began punching at his chest. "Rukia. Look at me." He grabbed her flailing fists and held them tight. "No one's getting married, okay? No one."

"B-but you said—"

"Do you really think that I'd get married to this person?" He jerked his thumb as best as he could to the person next to him.

She gagged. Next to him was a man. A man with a pretty face, mind you, but a flat chest.

"Nii-sama, I HATE YOU!" The corner of Byakuya's mouth quirked. He didn't mind the constant beat of her fists on his chest and the angry yells from her. He had found out what he wanted to know and was pleased with the results. He couldn't bring himself to say it out in public, but he wanted her to know that he loved her too.

Maybe later on he'd ask Rukia about that wedding… but for now, he was content to hold her in his arms.

-

Yoruichi snuck back behind the tree, spying from her position in her cat form. "I knew that ice man had it in him, damn stuck-up priss!"

-

**Author's Notes**

I really don't know where I'm going from here. Should I continue it as a collection of one-shots, or… just make them get married and live happily ever after?

Well, there's the eighth chapter!

Please review

--Duckii Mustang


	9. Foiled again

**Byakuya's Bottom**

By, **pinoykengumi7**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Bleach.

Belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Warning: Lack of Byakuya x Rukia and lots of Byakuya's stupid ideas in this chapter.

In any case, being sick is horribly horrible and I hate it. Hope you enjoy this chapter, despite my stuffed up brain while writing it. My many thanks to all my reviewers who have been supporting me throughout this whole stupid idea!

Taixishi – Ahaha. Well, Renji… my advice for him is to 'take it like a man'! Thanks for the review, and I will get around to making Byakuya be a little less cold and a little more romantic! After all, we all know that Byakuya has that little warm spot in him.

--Duckii Mustang

-

Byakuya was feeling a little apprehensive. Just recently, he had observed that more people were looking at Renji rather than _him_, when they walked down the streets as Captain and Lieutenant (and also as RIL – acronym for Rivals In Love).

And so, thoughts such as _'Is he making faces behind my back?', 'Surely he's not prettier than me', 'Is that horrifying red hair reflecting on the sheen of my silken ebon tresses?' _etc were occupying his mind. It was with these thoughts that the Ice Prince set out to the hair salon. His _personal_ hair salon. Yes, that's right. He has a personal hair salon, because no one else was allowed to touch his silky tresses or cultivate them in any manner except his personal hair dresser who worked at his personal hair salon.

Anyway, Byakuya went to his hair salon, and said to his hairdresser, "Do something to my hair that will make me stand out."

"…huh?" was the dumbfounded reply he received.

"Do you not understand? I need to be noticed. I need something done to my hair that will make _all _heads turn to me instead of that idiotic lieutenant when I walk in the streets of Seireitei. I don't care what you do to it."

"…" Mr. Hairdresser (yes, his name is now officially Mr. Hairdresser because the oh-mighty Byakuya-sama does not call him anything except for Hairdresser-san) seemed to have gained the goldfish ability Byakuya had in chapter 7, for his mouth continued opening and closing, and his eyes bulged out of his forehead. Literally.

Byakuya waited patiently in a comfy seat, with an icy glare intact, which immediately sent Mr. Hairdresser scurrying around with pair of scissors in his right hand and the hairdresser's trolley in his left.

Now whenever Byakuya had his hair done, he refused to sit in a chair which had a mirror in front of it. He only looked, well, admired his hair in his own mansion, where no one could hear him fawning over it. In any case, this meant that Byakuya had no idea what was happening to his hair.

"Hairdresser-san, I want _foils._" This was something that he had picked up during his stay in the human world. Every hair salon had it pasted up on a big poster on the window, _FOILS_. Whatever that was. His plan to get everyone's attention would work, no matter what.

-One hour later-

The birds chirped cheerfully. It was a wonderful day. The sun was shining and there were no clouds in sight.

Mr. Hairdresser had beads of sweat rolling down his face in rivulets. It was his first time doing foils and he was positive he wasn't doing it correctly. He made up his mind to bolt the area as soon as he was finished and to never show his face to the Kuchiki family ever again.

-Two hours later-

A big cloud hovered overhead. It was one of those grey monsters that made one cringe when they looked at it.

"Finished, Kuchiki-sama." Mr. Hairdresser's voice had a slight tremor to it, but he managed a bow and hurried Byakuya out of his little hair salon.

It was with a proud and yellow head that the oh-so-noble Kuchiki Byakuya stepped out onto the road. And at that very moment, everyone, every single soul turned their heads to look at him.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!" (This was the reaction from the men.)

"dhs;ag sadkg." (This was the reaction from the women.)

'_This is it. People are paying attention to me.'_ Oh poor Byakuya. His way of thinking was so… so _thwarted. _How could he take a reaction such as laughter as good?

Everywhere he went he was followed by crowds. Along his way, he was confronted by Rukia, Renji and Ichigo.

"'Nii-sama, what on Seireitei did you do to your _hair?!_" Rukia clamped her hand over Renji and Ichigo's mouths to prevent them from guwaffing out loud.

"Isn't it wonderful? I asked for foils. Everyone is astounded by it."

"I'm not sure that's a good thing, sucker." Renji managed to mutter around Rukia's strategically positioned fingers.

Rukia scowled and dragged her brother to the nearest mirror as possible, and left him there.

-5 seconds later-

The birds stopped chirping. Suddenly all of Seireitei was silent.

Until a "GHDAL GJKDLAJKGDLJ OMGGGGG" broke the silence. "RUKIA SAW ME LIKE—LIKE THIS."

-

In the far distance, Renji and Ichigo were rolling around on the hills, literally pissing their pants.

"Not only did Rukia see him like that," Ichigo managed between gasps. "Everyone else did too! Nobility my ass. That hair—" He burst into another fit of laughter.

Renji couldn't even respond. He was too busy hitting the ground with his fist while laughing.

Rukia just shook her head at the two idiots in front of her.

She barely caught the faint shout of "WHERE IS THAT STUPID HAIRDRESSER?" before she resigned herself to looking at the blue sky, not noticing the black cloud that hovered over the Kuchiki mansion.

"Idiots," was all she said, thinking of one previously black-haired man in particular. She just wished that he would be a little more open with her.

-

**Author's Notes**

Just admit it. After the last chapter, this one was a complete failure XD

Though there is GOOD NEWS! I will be continuing with more chapters, and have decided to take the suggestion of kuchiki hitsugaya, which is to just make them come together little by little and then eventually make them marry at the end. In other words, it means that I have NO IDEA of when the story is going to end and that there will hopefully be more funny chapters to come!

So, if anyone has any suggestions about a theme or scene which they want in the next few chapters, please tell me. A few are

Christmas (hahaha even though it will be late)

Sick Byakuya being nursed by Rukia

So send in your suggestions, because as you can see, I'm LACKING!

All the best for next year, fellow writers and readers!


End file.
